In college, despite my enervating health obstacles (read here: An Unlikely Mrs. Part 2), of course, I wanted a romantic relationship. I can still picture the ordinary scene: I was walking, phone to ear, close to my college place on the corner, when I shared this desire with a trusted, older and wiser friend. She confidently replied, to the effect: you don’t need a man.
It took more than a decade to realize this advice was sympathetic rubbish. I think it was a well-meaning attempt to empower me to face the world alone. Except, no person is meant to face the world alone. Not lady or man.
To purge possible assumptions: I think it’s essential to be economically independent, master a steady job (ideally, with fulfilling work) and take care of your responsibilities. Independent adult functionality is vital for self-esteem, confidence and overall well-being. Equally essential: no one but a capable adult should take care of her responsibilities. Otherwise, someone else is shouldered with another’s burden – their time, money and/or energy is given to something someone else should have done. It’s extremely selfish.
Economic independence or emotional support is a false choice. When women gained economic rights, men and marriage became expendable. Men and marriage are much more than an economic benefit, to say the least! After years of dedicating my time to only career ambitions, I learned independence, without love and marriage, is a mirage – an illusory, empty aim.
I’m thankful for professional accomplishments and a solid income. It feels good to work hard to achieve them, which builds confidence and character. But, economic goals can’t make a heart sing.
My older friend’s foolish advice wasn’t inconsistent with culture’s sweeping gender libel: men are superfluous and suppress female happiness and freedom. The wrong man will shackle happiness – true, but not all with XY chromosomes carry this curse.
There are kind and good men, who want to be needed and appreciated by a good woman. Part of this is a man’s emotional support (among other types!), after a trustworthy, joyful relationship is wisely built.
Support goes both ways, but here, I’m focused on the unattainable mirage of total independence for women – economic and emotional (not to mention, physical and spiritual). Emotional, physical and, dare I say, spiritual independence are an illusion. We all depend on something for emotional stability, physical release and meaning beyond the material. I think healthy romantic love, culminated and practiced in marriage, provides a strong chance for all three: emotional support, physical pleasure/release and an otherworldly experience in the relaxing environment of trust, value and intimate freedom.
It took me over a decade to realize total independence is a mirage. Don’t make my mistake.
Don’t miss Part 4 of An Unlikely Mrs.: Wait, the problem is me!
