This series, An Unlikely Mrs., is for anyone who thinks it may be too late to find meaningful, lasting romantic love. You’re not just another, who doesn’t know if the right person exists.

In the first three parts of An Unlikely Mrs., I described: decades of prayers for my future husband, my battle with chronic, mysterious pain in college and my twenties, and the well-intentioned but damaging advice, “You don’t need a man.”

Here, in part 4, I’d like to focus on my most empowering realization, while lost in the dating labyrinth: the problem is … me. 

Like any other area of my life, if something is wrong, there’s a strong chance the cause is me. After all, what else can you change, but your behavior? When I realized my pattern of fumbles in the dating game, the mental clarity energized me. There are plenty of ways to trip over myself, but here are some ways I dropped the ball. 

Cavalier Cluelessness

Ridiculous, but true. Months after a guy perilously, vulnerably put himself out there, the light would finally dawn in my mind: I unwittingly, assuredly rejected him. I didn’t want to reject him. In the moment, I was clueless about his interest.

Skirting Uncertainty

I thought I had to know if he was right for me in the beginning. Pressuring yourself to know if someone is right, without investing time to discover his character and uniqueness, is a dead end. You can’t learn if he’s the right person, if you haven’t spent significant time to understand him in a variety of situations. Besides, you’re missing out on the enjoyment of learning about someone with an entirely different life story than you.

Career as Heroine, Love as an Extra

In my twenties, I didn’t allocate enough (or hardly any) time for dating. Instead, I chose to be in a library or an office. I intentionally aimed for a big career, while unintentionally cutting off my chances at love. I think you can shoot for both, but I was myopic. Gradually, I grasped: I was making the wrong choices with irreversible time. 

I couldn’t help but notice female partners in my firm. Although extremely impressive, I discovered I didn’t want an impressive life. I wanted a life, where I could prioritize and love a future family well. As long as I kept practicing law, even if I changed specialties, I knew I wouldn’t have a life. Other attorneys can balance life and work; I couldn’t. 

I read a few books by esteemed female lawyers and their reasons for leaving the law. Their experiences confirmed my view: if I didn’t change my job, I wouldn’t have time for the life I hoped to build. 

During the years I questioned my career choice, as I’d drive home from the office at 9 p.m., I’d consider: what could I do, which I’m good at and enjoy, to pay the bills? Writing! Although it’s a stretch and a prayer to pay bills with writing, I landed on that answer – every single time.

After deciding to leave the law and before taking a risk with writing, I took a nine-to-five job as a contract negotiator. I used my law degree but not as a lawyer. I chose a pay cut and received a decent salary. For me, the work-life balance was worth the dent in my bank account. 

I don’t regret leaving the law. In Georgia, your law license can be “inactive” (less bar dues, and continuing legal education classes are paused). You don’t have to retake the bar exam. The work change freed me from my desk.

I took writing more seriously, when my new, beloved boss left. A different boss meant uncertainty in expectations and culture. After hours, I started my blog. 

Contorted Expectations

A common theme I’ve observed: expecting more than you’re willing to give. For instance, you don’t make an effort to take care of yourself, but you want a supermodel. Or, you haven’t earned and managed money responsibly, but you want a wealthy man. In the former scenario, why would she want to be with someone who isn’t motivated to look his best? In the latter, why would he want to be with someone, who can’t be trusted with money?

I dub this “taker thinking”. If you can’t deliver on your own expectation, why do you expect it from the person you’re dating (or your spouse)? Of course, broadly, men and women have different strengths. I don’t mean: expectations between a man and woman should be perfectly equal. I mean: your personal expectations shouldn’t be foreign to you.

Andy Stanley says it best: be the person you’re looking for is looking for. If you don’t know the right person is out there, consider: are you, today, the right person?

Not a Dating Victim 

I failed at dating … for a very long time. Owning bad thinking and behavior isn’t about feeling bad about yourself, it’s about learning to avoid repeat error. Don’t be a victim of your own bad decisions. Your future spouse deserves someone who invests in self-reflection and change – a mark of humility. 

Dating became about learning from mistakes and being my best, despite my date’s choices. This thinking rescued me from being a dating victim. It didn’t matter if my date turned out to be a yahoo, because my cardinal concern was my thinking and behavior. Ironically, my introspective outlook refined discernment of my date’s potential. This doesn’t mean I closed my eyes to my date’s behavior; of course, not! 

As I became more confident in my dating decisions, dating was a blast. It wasn’t about if my date met my expectations; it was about whether I was making the right choices. A great dating experience was no longer up to my date; it was entirely up to me. 

For me, the hardest time to learn from dating mistakes was after a breakup. It’s tempting to make it about you (feeling sorry for yourself or being too hard on yourself), instead of using it as a learning opportunity to differentiate your future. The last break-up, before I met my husband, was the most brutal. In the beginning, I thought I’d found the right person. I kept my foot on the accelerator, even when I saw cautionary, yellow signs. The relationship crashed in the end, but I decided I wasn’t going to repeat the same mistakes. 

Choosing Happiness, Whatever Happens in Dating

Even though being single past a certain age is abundantly challenging for the maritally inclined, my new thinking allowed me to choose happiness, whatever happened on a date. I couldn’t control if I met the right person, but I could control being my best with right choices. When I took responsibility for my choices, I was free to make my dating life the happiest possible.

Don’t miss Part 5 of An Unlikely Mrs.: Unexpected Gifts. Subscribe below!