My goal is for you to join a dating app within a few minutes of reading this post. Who doesn’t want to leap into the predictable experience of countless bathroom selfies and somber, introspective … did I mention solo … videos? If you don’t take your overwhelming loneliness too seriously, it’s a gold mine. With dating apps, who needs Jerry Seinfeld or Jeff Foxworthy to escape? My zany dating reality keeps me entertained. 

My dating apps ad probably seems heartless. Remember, I wish someone would pay me to be an actor, not the spokesperson here. These are real depictions brought to you by my single self. Happy couples, I hope this fosters fresh appreciation for your dear.  Singles, I hope this encourages community.  It’s better to experience the absurd together. 

I’ll start with some visual descriptions. Give them some dignity, and keep your pants on.

Some Pictures: 

Bathroom selfies – in multiples. Who started this trend? I would like to have a word, if possible. Is this working for you? If so, well, maybe I’ll try it.  

Even better – three dimensional bathroom selfies you wish were one dimensional – end of description. 

A shirtless man gazing vulnerably out his window – poor thing, all alone, looking for his soul mate in the great unknown. 

A man with a snake around his neck – an animal lover! 

An apparently sober man with his leg wrapped around a tree – oh, an environmentalist! Who wouldn’t want to be that tree? 

Shirtless selfies of men lying in bed – please note, shirtless selfies in bed are another pattern, like bathroom selfies. What heart wouldn’t skip a beat for a man taking his shirt off for hundreds of women, instead of just for you? 

If you’re suicidal, a stern looking man with an ax in tow, in the woods, and next to a child. The child’s back is to the camera – at least if we went on a date, I could control and prepare for my time of death. 

A Few Lines: 

In response to a profile picture with my nieces and nephews: “If those are all your kids, I’d love to partner with you and help you raise them.” This was from a twenty-two year old. My age appropriate settings failed me. But, who says young men these days can’t commit?

In response to a picture of me with a friend: “I wonder if your personality is as good as you look.” I liked that one. 

I didn’t care for this next one. In response to my profile bit, I like to hunt but have only been once, he replies, “I’m hunting cougars, care to join?” Clever. But, you need quality ammo and friendlier fire, sir, if you’d like to hit that target.

The People Behind the Profiles:

Dating apps offer more than treasured selfies and amusing lines. I’ve had sweet dates and met kind men. Perhaps, not everyone knows the classiest, most winsome approach in these confusing dating times.

Even if the pictures, lines, and dates aren’t quite (or remotely) right for you, why not put yourself out there for an unforgettable, unique experience? Maybe when you (and hopefully I) meet the right person, he’ll be even more of a stand out. No bathroom selfies. No shirtless selfies in bed for the dating app world to see. I obviously want a man who saves his bathroom and shirtless selfies just for me. My standards are probably too high.

I still need Jerry and Jeff. But, dating apps write priceless jokes about my little life.  Why not discover if they write good material for yours?