I met unforgettable “John” on a recent walk. Thankfully, when we met, I was on the phone with a good friend, who overheard the bizarre, insightful exchange. A few moments before, my friend and I were describing amusing caricatures of our love lives, and we joked whether moving is necessary for a fresh dating pool. Uncannily, John immediately and unwittingly answered. Let me tell you about him.

John was easy on the eyes – dapperly dressed with a playful grin. He strode up to me (yes, while I was on the phone) and asked for directions and help. He was a little (ok, a lot) imbibed and searching for his bearings. Then, he started giving compliments. Although I was, most likely, the 31st woman he approached in an eight minute time span with identical lines, his effervescent compliments made me laugh out loud, since I suspected his vision and judgment weren’t stellar at the time.

His oblivious, sunny compliments rapidly took a jarring, sharp turn. Out of the clear blue sky, he proposed (not that kind of proposal) we have a lot of fun. But, wait. It gets better. He looked around the corner and added if we wanted to go there … to enjoy it? “Enjoy” is a very loose (no pun intended) term here. Isn’t every woman’s dream public lovemaking with someone who – probably – will murder and discard her in the convenient dumpster right next to your special place?

I welcome your judgment. You’re wondering why I didn’t use my beginner krav maga skills at this (non) juncture? Easy – it was sad. Every man (and woman) should view himself as infinitely more valuable than making himself acutely vulnerable to someone who hasn’t earned his trust.

Of course, he was drunk. Sometimes, when inebriated, decisions may not be fully active, thoughtful decisions, even though the consequences are too real. For me, I have enough trouble making good decisions while sober. More importantly, John’s intoxicated state did not, at all, change his value. He and his future are worth more.

His glib, vomit-inducing suggestion ironically triggered a staid response. I said no, thank you, and told him he was worth more. He asked again. It was time to get real. I kidded that it wouldn’t work. I know; he was despondent.

I’m not sure what possessed me, but I shared my choice, which is a minority view: I’m waiting until marriage. My (to some, unfashionable) disclosure led to a wildly interesting conversation. He got defensive and talked generally about church. I don’t think church is the issue, although there is timeless Biblical wisdom on this topic. I asked him to toss religion out for a minute.

More fundamentally, waiting makes the most sense and builds a better future – less chaos, more trust and intimacy. Exclusivity and fun could be a more thrilling experience when you’ve waited (no matter when you start waiting) for one you treasure. Not to mention, intimacy without value opens the door to using someone. He replied he didn’t use women. He gave “everything” to his exes. I asked if he gave them marriage. 

I also told him I know my decision is probably different from most. You have to make the right decision for you. He asked, “How do you know what the right decision is?” I said, “What’s best for my future marriage.” But, again, that’s not everyone’s priority. Valuing yourself or others could be a steady compass, as well. 

Unprompted, he then announced he couldn’t control himself. What woman doesn’t want to spend time with a stranger who lacks self-control? There’s a plot for a Lifetime suspense movie. Since he was focused on something else besides intriguing conversation that evening, I excused myself and jogged home.

I learned from this wacky, unexpected, candid conversation. Casual sex is usually lamented as dehumanizing toward women. But, more subtly, maybe valueless intimacy weakens self-control and steals dignity from men? 

In my limited discussion with John, I obviously didn’t mention I wanted to be a writer. But, when I was jogging away, he surprisingly said he looked forward to my book. “John”, I hope this reaches you, wherever you are. You are worth so much more.