If you happen to have five minutes, I want to give your well-worn dating outlook a makeover. Start the timer, and study yourself in the mirror. You – yes you! – could be transformed into a glowing dater. But, first, you have to be willing to try a different shade of dating. Even when what you wish a man would do just doesn’t come true, casual dating can highlight your best features, like grace, class, empathy, and resilience. “Casual dating” is shopping around until you spot a potential keeper.
I’ll spin the chair around, so we’ll both be surprised at your reaction.
1. He owes you nothing.
Don’t turn around or look in the mirror, yet!
There’s no question: a man should be a gentleman and respect boundaries. If you are giving irreversible time to a man (or anyone, for that matter) who isn’t decent, what are you doing? Only you control your time, and only you can stop giving it to someone who isn’t nice. If he’s rude, and you’re with him, a simple “excuse me” and leaving is the ticket. If he’s rude, and he wants to spend more time with you, a simple “no, thank you” works.
If he’s crossed into jerk territory, there’s no need to waste your precious time giving a passionate dissertation. He already knows he should treat you kindly. If you open up this plain truth for discussion, you’re compromising yourself. Actions speak louder than words. If he’s rude or unkind, stop giving him your valuable time. Immediately.
There’s no reason to huff and puff if he’s rude on the first few dates. He’s showing you what he’s about. The best red flags are the early ones. Jog in the opposite direction – you’re looking great and, quite literally, moving on!
If you discover he’s classless, it may also help to change his name in your phone to “He Makes Me Sad”. It’ll be amusing when he calls later.
There’s also no question: a man should sweep a lady off her feet. Traditional romance is wise. When a man tries to win a lady over, it helps her decipher if he’ll support her in the future. Romance helps a man figure out if he enjoys making her happy.
There is a question, however, if a man wants to go the romantic distance for a particular woman. If he chooses not to try to sweep you off your feet, instead of falling into the trap of self-pity, keep your eyes open for a man who chooses to invest in you. He does exist. If you believe no man will make a worthy effort to win you over, you’ll be looking for and find men who won’t win you over. Stop that right now!
After all, would you want to end up with a man who chases every woman, instead of a man who is discriminating with his heart? I don’t. This brings us to the next point: give him the chance to reject you.
2. Give him the chance to reject you.
I intentionally wrote that twice.
Without room for rejection, wonderfully freeing acceptance is dead on arrival. No flourishing relationship – platonic or romantic – exists if one person owes the other. I’d wager your best friends became your best friends, because you enjoy each other, know each other, and don’t demand things from each other. The same is true for romance. No one wants to be obligated to go on a date.
If a man doesn’t like you, who cares? Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t like you? Pass. There is a man out there who will appreciate and love your singular beauty and every striking feature. At the risk of being repetitive, if you believe he doesn’t exist, you’re not going to find him. If you’re looking for the wrong something, you can’t recognize the right something when it appears.
The irony is women ghost men just like men ghost women. You know it’s true. A quick anecdote: men constantly pursue a gorgeous friend of mine. When she doesn’t want to see them again, she vanishes faster than Harry Houdini. Then, when a man doesn’t follow-up with her, she’s offended. It’s a little bit of a double standard. She’s frustrated with indirect men, when she is the picture of confusion.
If you don’t want to go out with a man, he can handle a “no, thank you.” If he happens to ask for an explanation, as long as the explanation is gracious, behavior based, and breezy, there’s no harm in providing gentle insight. He may change an unknowingly undermining behavior, and he may surprise you.
A friend once told me she lectured a man who didn’t call her. Yikes. If you want him to bolt, a lecture when casual dating is a great trigger.
If he takes his time calling, but you’d like to get to know him, if you happen to have extra time, respond positively and nonchalantly. If you wait for him to call you, you’ll figure out how much he likes you. That assurance will feel better than jumping the gun and looking behind you later to see if he’s still there.
3. If he’s not your exact physical type, but you enjoy his company, and he takes care of himself, give him a chance.
Women lambast men who narrow the dating pool based on looks, so why are you imitating their style? If he has the wrong hair color, wrong eye color, or wrong [whatever external trait you prefer], you may be sabotaging opportunities by choosing to be shallow.
If you think that’s too harsh, and you’re about to get up from the chair, indulge this idea with a few more sentences. You’re probably right, so what’s the harm when I’m wrong?
Everyone is entitled to her own physical preference. Keep in mind – looks are probably the most dynamic personal characteristic. You could be waiting for the artificial portrait of a non-existent man and missing a real, real good one.
Caveat: if he doesn’t value himself enough to take care of himself, that’s a turn off and good reason not to be interested.
4. Get to know him before he “knows” you.
If you lent a book to the man you’re dating, and you don’t suspect he’d have the manners to take care of it and timely return it, think twice about sharing something truly valuable. You are worth far more than a book.
Dating has a return policy. Don’t give the man you’re dating something non-refundable.
Casual dating before exclusivity is the perfect opportunity for a woman to observe how much a man cares. The more you wait to see what he wants, the more he’ll show you what he wants. It’s no mystery, but it does take annoying patience and time.
You may discover he’s the real deal or wants something less gentlemanly. If he wants something less dignified, don’t waste your time judging him. You’re beautiful. Of course he wants that from you! If you discover classless motives, don’t give him another minute. If you discover he cares about you, build the relationship with trust.
5. Spending time with each person is a gift.
I think every man (and every person!) has something unique and interesting to offer the world. Even if you find out you aren’t into someone, dates are an opportunity to learn about others. The men I’ve dated have given me sweet experiences, funny stories to share, and fresh things to try. Enjoy getting to know him. You may learn something new and fascinating. More importantly, gratitude for every person you date will help you move on.
My five minutes are up; it’s time to turn the chair back around! Try out your new look. I hope you love it!
If you want a make over from head to toe and are curious about other dating stages, like commitment, intimacy, and moving toward marriage, I strongly recommend, Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship, by John Gray, Ph.D. It’s a well-written, easy to read book about the differences between men and women, how to open your heart to find your soul mate, and how to build a lasting relationship.
This post is dedicated to my inspirational and always enjoyable friend, Kristin. She suggested I write about my predominantly positive dating experiences.