Life can’t resist dropping surprises at our door. The only certainty in a broken world may be bad surprises. Cheerful, right? I’m writing this for two reasons: first, to encourage those battling singledom not to give up on choosing the right person for you. You’re not just another, and you’re not just another single. Why not give up? Because, when you choose the right person, your marriage won’t be one of life’s bad surprises. Second, I’m writing this to express gratitude for my husband, who has powerfully loved me through surprisingly bad circumstances in the first chapter of our marriage. We’ve been married just under two years.
The most surprising, good thing in my life has been my husband. This was also true during the entire time we dated. He’s like a fine wine, who gets better with age. After our wedding, health issues bombed my life, threatening to shatter my joy and resolve. But, I’ve only seen his support, understanding and compassion blossom into a more beautiful trust and intimacy. Wait, you say. I must be embellishing. This fictional, fantasy husband doesn’t exist!
The most surprising, bad thing in my life has been health issues, which hit the hardest, after we returned from our honeymoon. These health issues have prevented me from getting pregnant for nearly two years. We got married in my late thirties. Motherhood is one of my dreams. The point is: these health issues, as they do with many who suffer, dictatorially dominated my time, physical capacity, and emotional state. To read all about my showdown with endometriosis and corporate medicine, part one of “How to Navigate Endometriosis in an Unhealthy Medical System” is here.
Many have fiercer health opponents than I. If that’s you, you’re more valuable than distant words or platitudes. You’re not just another in pain. You’re not alone, and you deserve medical clarity, merciful relief, and a universe of help.1
When a covert health diagnosis caused years of chaotic, embarrassing symptoms and betrayed my attempted feminine allure, my husband didn’t flinch. He’s right next to me when I’m suffering, even when the symptoms (and myself) aren’t pretty.
Despite hours of calls and written disputes, a siege of flawed medical bills threatened my sanity. One day, he joined a long phone call and told corporate health jokers to do better, or we’d report their incompetence and inconsistency. Then, I contacted the hospital compliance office and issued a complaint to the health insurer for fraud, which helped.2
Although, I think the only certainty in a broken world is bad surprises, who you marry and who you choose to be in marriage don’t have to be a surprise. I’ll state the obvious: people change, and no one can control another person. If you marry a good person who morphs into a monster, that’s an exception.
But, for the most part, I think the distracting red flags, flying high for attention, are there before marriage. Choosing to continue, without gracefully investigating, asks for avoidable disappointment. If you see a red flag (especially the ones you’d like to change into a still, microscopic molecule), examine it.
By looking at your own choices and behavior first, and with understanding and appreciation for the other person, you’ll be able to clarify whether the red flag is a stop sign for the relationship. Some questions to determine if the red flag is really a stop sign:
- Are you being reasonable or unreasonable?
- Has the other person consistently demonstrated the qualities and behavior you’d want to see in the other parent to your children?
Even when God gives you an incredible gift of a spouse, like He did for me, because He’s so good, I have to keep reminding myself: bad surprises aren’t an excuse for weak character or poor choices. How I choose to behave and treat my spouse will create a blast of either appreciation or entitlement in my husband’s day. I’m beyond thankful, when I fall apart and need countless, sadness-crushing hugs, my husband doesn’t rush, or run from, tears.
Life will match you with bad surprises. Don’t match with a surprise spouse. Behavior before marriage should give you confidence he or she won’t be a candle, whose flame flickers out, despite your attempts to breathe oxygen back into the relationship.
Remember, you’re not just another single, looking for the right person. You have something unique to offer. You’re not just another.
