You’re not just another, confused by emotional pain.

I detest getting emotionally rattled. When someone’s choices toward me twist my heart, I don’t want that person to distort and define its shape and size. She treated me poorly. Why should I allow my heart and time to be arrested by her behavior? I  want to swiftly break out of the feelings trap. 

I don’t mean: ignore feelings. I don’t advocate denying emotional pain. At all. Unless you allow yourself to feel pain, I think it’s more tempting to make unhealthy choices in order to cope. For instance, it’s more tempting to use good things for unintended purposes, which causes more chaos and less enjoyment of the good thing (alcohol, food or sex, for instance). Once you give yourself time to experience your feelings, there’s a choice. Is there something to learn from them, which will free you from their control?

For anyone immersed in cultural news, it’s tiresome to observe: we’re living in a feelings-rule-all time. Personal slights are weighed and measured with precision, to the point the process may deepen the wound. Strangers demand you describe them the way they see themselves; apparently, their identity is only real if validated by you. This is, perhaps, the most extreme version of the feelings trap: allowing others’ views to control your actions, using feelings to manipulate others’ response.

There’s a way to unlock the emotional cuffs and escape to emotional peace and freedom. In my eminently unpopular opinion, compared with today’s culture: I reject the idea others are responsible for my feelings. I get to choose what I do with my hurt and whose opinion matters to me. I’m responsible for my feelings.

My escape route is much easier typed than done. Like I said in the opening of this article, I hate it when I’m overcome by hurt. The hurt is like negative electrons rapidly orbiting me, forming a confusing, dark cloud. 

There are times, when it’s (and I feel ridiculous with this literary confession, but it’s true) a herculean effort to focus on the day’s work and set the hurt aside. Sleep is stolen, because I’ve interpreted hurtful actions as: the person you love doesn’t think you matter enough, doesn’t believe in you enough, or thinks poorly of you. The selfish realization is: she isn’t giving me what I wanted (or perhaps, needed) from her.

After I sit with my feelings, if I remind myself I have a choice in my response, it starts to clear and light the confusing, dark cloud, and an escape plan forms. I pray, pray and pray I’ll see the situation in truth and grace. Did she really mean to hurt me? Am I overblowing this? How did I contribute to this? With the realization of choice and prayer, my mind gradually clears the cloud. 

I have another choice. Do I bring this to her attention? If there needs to be a boundary, of course. But, if I don’t think she has a clue about the impact of her actions (let’s be honest, most of the time, the ones doing the hurting are entirely oblivious), and a confrontation won’t change anything, then, I don’t. 

Next, forgiveness. Before I forgive, as I mentioned, I usually realize she can’t give me what I want or need. So, I’ll stop looking to her to get it. This is profoundly freeing, because her influence over me weakens significantly. Her opinion of me doesn’t matter as much. When I realize she doesn’t owe me a thing, it frees me, too. 

Caveat: if someone is in an emotionally or physically abusive situation, removing yourself immediately, getting protection from friends and the law, and refusing to be alone with that person, again, are essential. Forgiveness doesn’t mean opening the door to more abuse. Forgiveness only happens in one place: the heart. 

That’s my escape route from the feelings trap: 1) letting emotional wounds painfully bleed without an emotional painkiller, 2) realizing I have a choice in how I respond to emotional pain, 3) pray to understand the situation in truth and grace (Did I contribute? Did she really mean to hurt me? Is it worth bringing to her attention? Have the sum of her actions, over time, shown me she’s a good friend? Is this just a misunderstanding?), 4) forgiving, 5) deciding how to interact with the person in the future, including how much influence I’d like her to have in my life.

This may have only helped me, but if it helped you, please comment below!